The Gift of Forgiveness: How to Let Go of Resentment and Find Peace

I once got into a loud fight with a good friend of mine. Some of our other friends witnessed this fight, and even though the original sin was between the two of us, our other friends were hurt by our behavior. I needed to ask for forgiveness from each of them as well as the original person I had hurt. Even though we have asked God for forgiveness and received it through the Sacraments, we still need to seek reconciliation with those around us.

” The Gift of Forgiveness”

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Forgiveness did not come instantly; it was a process. Like many, Elizabeth grew up with the idea that forgiveness was something simple, something she had learned on the playground: "When someone pushes you down, you're the bigger person when you say, 'It's okay. We can stay friends.'" When she returned home after being rescued, she still thought of forgiveness in this way. It took time for her to realize that forgiveness is not a gift you give to others; it's something you do for yourself-while also not excusing what happened to you. The horrible acts committed against her were in no way justifiable, but she discovered that she could accept her past in order to reclaim her future.

It wasn't until Elizabeth was trying to reacclimate to everyday life that she realized her childhood version of forgiveness no longer served her. She realized something crucial: "Forgiveness is not necessarily a two-way street. It's a very personal thing, and you don't need two people for forgiveness to happen." She learned that at the heart of forgiveness is compassion: compassion for the person who harmed you and, more importantly, compassion for yourself. As she told me, "It's loving myself. It's allowing myself to feel whatever emotions I feel and to deal with them. And if it's anger, you know what? I think that is just fine."

While Elizabeth has chosen a path of forgiveness toward her captors, she admits that she still has moments when she struggles. She says it's normal for her anger or sadness to overwhelm her at times. "When you have those moments when you feel like you are falling back into anger or sadness," she told me, "allow yourself to feel those feelings, and then love yourself enough to let them go and to try to embrace your life moving forward." She advises people in similar situations to take their time. Working through these feelings is something that everyone must do at their own pace. Beating yourself up about still feeling those emotions only makes moving on even harder. Elizabeth suggests that recovery starts with acceptance: "Accepting that you're angry, accepting that you're hurt, accepting that something traumatic has happened to you. Then I would recommend doing your very best to start loving yourself. Don't even think about forgiveness at that moment. Just try to start loving yourself. I think as your love for yourself grows, you will be able to let go of what's happened to you."

To help strengthen her inner resolve, Elizabeth surrounds herself with supportive people-her friends and, above all, her family-who have helped her through her process of forgiveness and renewed her strength during her moments of backsliding. Setting goals for herself and relying on this network of positive people have helped her stay on track, especially when she experiences "emotional potholes" that might otherwise set her back. "I do everything I can to fill my life with the positive emotions, positive people, positive activities."

About a year after she had been rescued, Elizabeth was asked if she had forgiven her captors. She vividly remembers searching for an authentic response. "I felt like I had this sort of epiphany of what I felt true forgiveness was, and I remember feeling like, 'Yeah, I have moved on. I have let it go. I have forgiven.'" Her epiphany was that forgiveness is an act of self-love. Holding on to a traumatic past does nothing but consume your present emotional space. She has come to understand that "just loving yourself and giving yourself the freedom to live your life fully" is the key to moving on. Her understanding of forgiveness came "with growth and experience, and listening to other survivors, and going through a process of introspection that finally enabled me to articulate it."

Elizabeth's ability to move on was tested again when it was announced that her female captor, who was scheduled to get out of jail in 2024, would be released early, in September 2018. Although it was an incredibly stressful time, her forgiveness wasn't shaken; the self-love she worked so diligently to maintain over the years held firm. And the key to her remarkable strength is the love she has for herself. "I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with myself, and I'm proud of the person who I've become. I mean, I'm certainly not perfect . . . I definitely have plenty of flaws that I need to work on. But I like who I am."

When I first heard Elizabeth speak about forgiveness, I thought to myself, "How could she forgive two people who caused her so much pain and changed the course of her life?" But hearing how she was able to put aside the horrors she faced and instead focus on healing herself showed me that forgiveness starts, first and foremost, with you. Being kind to yourself, and allowing yourself to live the full life you deserve, is the first step to moving on. Elizabeth's journey through darkness teaches us all that forgiveness is truly an act of self-love.

Just as Chris had his own way of coping with the tragedy, so did the people around him. His mother had a very difficult time moving on from the sudden loss of her grandchildren and daughter-in-law. Right after the accident, he says his mother was unable to forgive. "She wanted vengeance. Whenever there was a parole hearing, she wanted me there, though I would never go." Chris's mother had to feel what it was like not to let it go. She learned that, for her, withholding forgiveness "starts to destroy you, it starts to eat you up. She finally realized, 'This is not for me, I can't do this.'" People often hold on to anger, thinking it will somehow heal their pain. Realizing that doing so just leaves them stuck in the midst of the trauma, unable to heal-that's when they turn to the only hope left for them: forgiveness. Being able to extend compassion despite suffering and loss has helped Chris cope with his pain. Holding on to anger is like keeping the wound fresh and open; you never give it the chance to heal.

Choosing the path of forgiveness gave Chris and his family peace. It also helped restore the life of the young man who had been driving the other car. His name was Cameron. For Chris, forgiveness was the only choice that would allow him to reclaim his life. He knew that seeking revenge would leave him locked in a never-ending cycle of anger and resentment. "Going down a path of anger or vengeance or desire for retribution-there's no happy ending down that path. It may make me feel good for a while, but it doesn't bring the people back. It doesn't make the pain and anguish go away. It just feeds into a poisoned atmosphere of anger and injustice."

Forgiveness wasn't easy. It was a constant struggle. As Chris describes it, "I found that this desire to let it go was like a battle, minute by minute. I'd say to myself, 'If I could do this for five more minutes, and then the next five . . .' Over time, it became a little easier to do. Gradually, I developed a greater ability to let it go. It's like an athlete getting better at the sport they're practicing." The ability to forgive gets easier as time goes by and you have a chance to develop what Chris calls "your forgiveness muscle."

Chris sees forgiveness not as an obligation, but as a gift: "I believe it's the greatest gift you can give yourself. It's your ability to regain control when you experience something that seems to take every choice away from you. It's an opportunity to feel relief when you might be in the most horrific pain. The person who forgives ultimately gets 100 percent of the benefit."

We can forgive ourselves for lost opportunities to mend a relationship even after a loved one has died by incorporating and expressing their better values. We can honor the memories of our loved ones by extending forgiveness to others who may have hurt us. And we can show that their influence continues after death by enjoying our relationships more fully.

Forgiveness is not a result of our efforts, but is a gift. It is a gift of the Holy Spirit who showers us with mercy and grace that pours forth unceasingly from the open heart of Christ crucified and risen.

Each of us need to pray and ask God to help you renew our lives through His grace, to seek forgiveness and to be forgiving of those who have hurt us. Take some time to reflect on this quote of St. Faustina:

This episode is one we've talkedabout literally for years, but it hasn't felt right until now. Overthe past nearly 4 years, Neil has walked a difficult path throughgrief and trauma of losing his only full-living-brother to ahomicide in January of 2019. The past couple of years have beenespecially difficult as he's tried to work through and cope withthe anger part of grief, but has recently really found more closureand truly readiness to forgive. So that's what we're talking abouttoday, the journey of finding and offering forgiveness to those whohave wronged us, and how Neil was able to get there. We're alsotalking about how this can apply to anyone's life circumstances,even if there's not a situation in your life that demands the samelevel of forgiveness, and how offering forgiveness is ultimately agift to yourself.

In the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness. The ideas that forgiving is a gift to those who have hurt you sometimes gets forgiveness into trouble. In other words, people think it is irrational to consider offering a gift to those who are unfair. The typical reasons for this resistance to forgiveness as gift-giving are these:

The ideas above can be countered this way: With regard to (A), you do not necessarily have to reconcile with an unrepentant person who keeps harming you. You can give your gift from a distance, such as a kind word about the person to others or an email so that you can keep your distance if this is prudent to do so. With regard to (B), you can forgive and ask for justice. Forgiving never means that the other just goes ahead as usual with hurtful behaviors. In other words, if you decide to forgive, you can and should ask for fairness from the other person. With regard to (C), forgiveness will seem counter-intuitive as goodness to those who are not good to you only if your focus is entirely on justice or a fair solution to the problem. If you begin to see that mercy (in the form of forgiving) and justice can and should exist side-by-side, then perhaps this idea of forgiveness as a contradiction or as inappropriate or as somehow odd may lessen in you. 2ff7e9595c